I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
