He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
