just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
