I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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