Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
