Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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