Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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