There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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