I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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