just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
