Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
