it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
