Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I don't deserve a penis
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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