i wish starbucks made bloody marys
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
