the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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