Michael Bay diarrhea
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
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