why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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