Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
