I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
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OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
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