I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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