mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
