Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
