I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
