Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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