Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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