dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
