If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
