I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
