Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
