i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
