Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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