dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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