Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
