I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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