running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
