Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
