saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
