Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
