FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
