new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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