...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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