About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
