i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
