apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My vagina just recognized that song.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
