Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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