Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
