i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
