Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
