Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
