i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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