I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I understand Curling. That high.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
