Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
