you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize