if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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