If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize