I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
