Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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