I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
