Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
