my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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